These days condoms are freely available in public toilets, company toilets, gyms, corporate facilites and so on. However, there was a time when such items actually had to be bought. I understand there is still a demand for brand name models of these, such as had been insisted upon by aggrieved students of the Durban Tech a few years ago.
Anyway, many years ago I needed to purchase a few of these. I can only assume that I was working on the irrigation system in my garden and that I needed something to secure an open pipe and prevent dirt form entering it. Most probably. Possibly. Maybe. Mos.
So I went down to the nearest Spar. After inspecting all the isles, I could find none. Impossible! I mean, this is such a basic necessity, one would expect a batch thereof at every isle. Eventually I gave up and approached one of the guys packing out stock.
“Do you stock condoms?” I asked.
The packer froze. His mouth opened to say something. He did not say anything. He stared at me. He looked around. Then he slowly put down the carrots he was packing out. He looked behind him. He then gestured something with his hands, and started walking away form me backwards as if I have made an improper proposal to him. I decided that he was indicating to me that he did not know, but that he would make enquiries to ascertain where the sought after items are being stored. Then he disappeared out of sight.
He stayed away a long time. In the meantime I stood around, waiting for him to return to his spot at the carrots and cucumbers. Maybe I should rather have asked the girl at the isle where they stock the painkillers and stuff.
Eventually I saw the guy peering at me from around the corner where he last disappeared. Another head appeared. One of his colleagues. He pointed me out to his colleague. The colleague made big eyes. “Aha! So that’s what someone looks like who asks for condoms in a public place.”
They then disappeared again.
Some more time lapsed. Maybe I should just have gone to the pharmacy which was just next door.
Eventually the two gentlemen came walking around the corner, approaching me. Halfway to me the one came to a dead stop. He pulled on the other guy’s sleeves and held out a packet to him. The other guy vehemently shook his had, turned around and walked off, still shaking his head. The man with the packet in his hands stared at his departing colleague.
Then he sighed, turned around facing me again. Reluctantly he approached me. Slowly. Maybe he had a muscle cramp or something. Then, when he reached me, like a flash he handed met the packet which, up to that point, he held enclosed in both hands. He turned on his heals and briskly walked away. Funny how quickly his muscle cramp disappeared.
“Your carrots are still hieso, nuh?” I called after him, but he ignored me. Maybe he was assigned another job by his supervisor. No wonder it took him so long to get back to me.
By now I was having my doubts about the wisdom of buying condoms from a supermarket, but headed for the cashier nevertheless. Halfway there I realised that this whole spirit of conspiracy have effectively been transferred to me, because I was now also holding the packet enclosed in both hands. I opened my hands to inspect the product. I perused the rather erotic picture on the wrapping.
Just about then I reached the cashier. Too late I realised that this is the only item I had with me. Maybe I should also have bought a broomstick or baby food or something, then the condoms could have gone relatively unnoticed in the transaction. But now it was too late.
The girl behind the counter could not have been a day older than 16. I put the packet in front of her. Instinctively she reached for it to scan it, but her hand froze in mid-air. She giggled, blushed, looked down, and then approached the package as if it was a snake. And with a “take that, you snake container”- attitude she zapped the packet with the scanner without touching it. Where is Darth Vader when you need him!
As I left the shop I peered back over my shoulder. The two packers, together with what appeared to be the full staff complement of the shop, were smiling at me. The one packer gave me the thumbs up.
Funny how hot one can sometimes feel on a cold day.…